


S06E09: American Pie

by DoubleMastectomy



Series: Tumblr short fic prompts (February 2021) [3]
Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album), Diners Drive-ins and Dives, The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys: California (Comics)
Genre: Comedy, Cooking, Gen, Nonbinary Fun Ghoul (Danger Days), Nonbinary Jet Star (Danger Days), Nonbinary Party Poison (Danger Days), Reality TV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29422254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubleMastectomy/pseuds/DoubleMastectomy
Summary: A lone man steps out of a hot red convertible, his rounded shades a mask. He smirks to no one in particular and leans against the car's side door, his arms crossed.To no one, he narrates clear and fast:“So I’m cruising down Route Guano about 105 miles per hour and I call up my buddy Death Defying, and I say, ‘Hey Doctor. Y’know of any - uh - shiny joints by Five’s far border I can hit up?’And he goes, ‘What, you wanna go somewhere where they’re rocking it out old school? Hit up the Diner.’And I said, ‘The Diner? You mean the Diner with a minty green paint job and “D - I - E” spelled out in neon?’He says, ‘That’s the Diner!’This… is the Diner.”
Series: Tumblr short fic prompts (February 2021) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2150100
Comments: 20
Kudos: 28





	S06E09: American Pie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radioteeth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radioteeth/gifts).



> On today's very special episode, this fic prompt comes not from Tumblr but from Discord where I said "What if I..." and my friend replied "Please write it". I'm counting it as a prompt because I wouldn't have written it otherwise and kit brought up the topic to begin with. I'll let you figure out what the prompt was.
> 
> Although no killjoys, animals, or TV show hosts were harmed in the making of this episode, please be aware that it contains some **less-than appetizing food descriptions** throughout, and the mention of **alcohol** (strictly for cooking purposes) in the 7th segment, after the 6th line break. If either of those concepts may trigger or disgust you, viewer discretion is advised.
> 
> Enjoy the show!

  


Pan up. A lone man steps out of a hot red convertible, his rounded shades a mask. His hair is bleached white and gelled into short sharp shapes. His goatee, also bleached, is framed by square brown facial hair. He wears nothing fancier than cargo shorts and a button up short sleeve, but he’s decorated with the most vibrant of flame decals running up his sides. Graying clouds spiral in the sky above. A cold front, a respite, is coming in.

The man smirks to no one in particular and leans against the convertible's side door, his arms crossed. Then, to no one, he narrates clear and fast.

“So I’m cruising down Route Guano about 105 miles per hour and I call up my buddy Death Defying, and I say, ‘Hey Doctor. Y’know of any - uh - shiny joints by Five’s far border I can hit up?’

And he goes, ‘What, you wanna go somewhere where they’re rocking it out old school? Hit up the Diner.’

And I said, ‘The Diner? You mean the Diner with a minty green paint job and “D - I - E” spelled out in neon?’

He says, ‘That’s the Diner!’

This… is the Diner.” He points with his whole arm.

Pan up and turn 90 degrees, there it is. Standing tall and standing proud is a sun bleached and torn up diner, stained and half boarded up. And labelled, in a powerful red font, “D - I - E”.

  


* * *

  


Country-rock music plays off the jukebox at a low volume as the man struts in.

“Whoa - hey -” A tall killjoy stops him at the door. They have curly hair tied back into a soft ponytail, and are dressed in dark clothes. “Who are you?”

The man smiles. “My name is Guy Fieri and I’m here for your finest cuisine. I’ve got my film crew here to record your process and I'd like to interview you real quick. How’s that sound for a party?”

A much shorter killjoy steps into the dining room. “You’re throwing a party?” Xe asks.

“Ghoul, no -” The taller killjoy addresses xim before speaking to Guy Fieri again, “This is Ghoul, and my name is Jet Star. And this seems to be a misunderstanding. See, we’re not really a diner. We live here.” They gesture to the rows of booths and the tables pushed to the side. “It’s just a convenient space.”

“Sorry to disappoint.” Two more killjoys materialize where the dining room opens into a hallway. “I’m Party Poison. I’m sure you’ve heard of me? And this here is Kobes.”

“Sick shades,” Guy exclaims to Kobes, “Love the ‘do as well. Anyway, are you Brady Bunch ready to get this show on the road? ‘Cause I’m starving.” He walks farther in. “What do you serve here? Italian? American?”

Poison shakes her head. “No. No, we don’t serve anything here.”

“This is jus' a house,” Ghoul apologizes.

“I could recommend another place,” Jet offers, “Down the road another mile. But really, we gotta ask you to leave.”

  


* * *

  


The Fab Four are sitting with Guy Fieri in a booth. Scraps of trash have been shoved to the side and floor.

“This -" Guy gestures to Ghoul against his side. “is my buddy, Ghoul. And this is xe’s crew, the Fabulous Four. What makes the Diner so popular?”

Ghoul jumps, realizing Guy is addressing xim now. Xe thinks carefully. “Sometimes I put on a fireworks show.”

“Last week,” Jet says, “Cherri’s garage got an infestation so he recorded a radio segment in our bathroom instead. That was interesting.”

Kobra Kid clears his throat. “I'd like to point out that we don’t … actually serve food here. Again, we have Pup in the back if you want some, but we're telling you this isn’t a restaurant and we don’t even have a fridge.”

“Everyone loves me. That’s why we’re popular,” Poison says.

Fieri continues excitedly, “Been this way since ‘65, but in 2012 the Four bought the place. -”

“Actually we stole -”

“We’re squatting.”

“- And these days," Guy pays the interruption no mind, " _Poison’s_ at the stove. Has it changed?”

“You mean besides the lack of a menu, a kitchen staff, or patrons?” Poison shrugs. “Still got the same bugs in the ceiling lights, I'll give it that.”

  


* * *

  


The Fab Four stand in the kitchen, flanked by Guy who watches like a dog. They look among themselves deciding what, and how, they’re going to cook.

"I know how to turn on the stove,” Ghoul announces, striking then dropping a match into it. The gas stove top lights in a ring.

Kobra hesitates before picking up a metal saucepan. “This can go here?” He places it over the stove.

“Nice,” Guy comments.

Poison cocks her head, pointer finger to her chin. “We’ll start with a simple base - a faux-rue constructed from rendered synthetic protein.” She grabs a can of Power Pup and a can opener, cracking it open and pouring it in. "And we'll build from that."

Guy makes a noise of approval. “Let’s get into it, man.”

“Ghoul, adjust the heat to 'low' for me?”

“On it.”

Guy leans in. “See that technique right there?”

  


* * *

  


Jet places a cactus pad on the countertop. “Found this outside and washed it off.” They flick out a pocket knife and cut a leaking slit along its length. “I’ll be cleaning out this nopales and mixing the juice into our base.”

“And what about the plant itself?” Guy asks.

“Might add that too for texture.”

“In cubes?”

Jet blinks. “Sure.”

  


* * *

  


Kobra turns on the stand mixer. A screw or two loose, it rattles loudly. He covers his ears as Ghoul takes over, holding it in place.

“Love that noise,” Fieri laughs, “Gonna try and get it as a ringtone.”

Jet begins pouring the hot saucepan over the mixer, slowly. A thin brown liquid, cubes of cactus skin, and a handful of nuts dribble in.

Guy grins. “That’s it. Now let it have a little mix-mix.”

The mixer protests as it grinds everything into what is almost a paste.

  


* * *

  


Poison lines the inside of a glass pan with bread. “Tommy had this special last week," she explains her process, "An import from Bat for only a base-five. Though, he repackaged it as Wonder bread but the grain really has more of a Better Living Generic aftertaste to it.” She removes a jar from a lower cabinet with both hands, unscrewing it carefully. “I’ll be brushing it with this home brew to give it a kick.”

Guy’s eyebrows fly up. “You boiled and fermented a corn mash - producing an ethanol from the sugars - then distilled the alcohol from that to get this?”

“Yep.”

“Whoa. This guy’s getting serious. Must’ve taken a lot of time.” He taps Poison’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “Takes a lot of time to do that?”

“No.”

He pulls down his glasses and looks away. “Let me retract my statement then.”

  


* * *

  


The other three killjoys crowd around Jet as they pull the glass pan from the oven. “Careful!” They say, gripping it with a thick towel. “It’s still tanning!”

“Now that’s -” Guy points to it “- good, straightforward, all American pie.”

“And the oven was full pistons the whole bake!” Ghoul says, “I didn’t know that beast worked!”

“Right on!”

  


* * *

  


A man sits at a dining room table in a diner. A cream sheet is draped over it as a tablecloth, and a baked good in glass cookware acts as the centerpiece. A single slice, cut generously, is plated in front of this man, his black glasses a mask. With a paper napkin tucked into his fiery shirt, he narrates.

"Here at the Diner, the Fab Four are serving up six years of family tradition. And some of the favorites, they’ve invented themselves. Like this one.”

Pan down and zoom in. The slice of pie is flaccid and wet. The white bread crust is burnt golden around the edges. Steam escapes from the warm brown center which is a consistency like that of half-done cookie dough and leaking water that stains the plate faintly sepia. As Guy Fieri cuts into it with the side of his fork, chunks are revealed amongst the bubbles of liquid fat.

He crosses his eyebrows and shakes his head, in awe of the sight. “The filling is just fall-apart tender.” He takes a slow and purposeful bite.

The Fab Four hold their breath. Standing around him, they wait anxiously on the tips of their toes for his professional review of their establishment.

Guy chews slowly, savoring it, judging the taste, reviewing the mouthfeel. Finally he swallows only half his bite and exclaims:

“Yeah baby!”

He goes on to elaborate, “Even with the pine incense Kobes threw in, I don’t think it’s too spicy. The flavors really work together like a team. It’s comfort food, that’s what it is. Really makes you wanna stay. Good stuff.”

The Fab Four sigh in relief.

  


* * *

  


Outside the Diner, Guy Fieri stands between the Fab Four, arms around Poison and Jet’s shoulders. He doesn’t face them directly, but speaks to them, emphasis on each of his words.

“It was really nice to meetcha. You guys are awesome.”

“It was great to meet you too,” Kobra says genuinely.

“You taught us a lot about ourselves today,” Jet adds, “I didn’t realize I had any of this in me.”

Guy shakes each of their hands in a row. “Glad to hear it. Rock on!”

As he walks away from them he continues speaking, gesturing ahead of himself.

“I told you: if it’s funky, we’ll find it. Now I’ll see you next time on Diners, Drive-ins & Dives.”

He hops into his convertible and with one final wave to the Diner, he drives off.

**Author's Note:**

> Episodes like this are made possible thanks to viewers like you. Thank you. If you enjoyed what you saw here, consider leaving a kudos and a comment to keep the channel running!


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